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Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse

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We all want happy, healthy, and connected relationships with our partners. But sometimes, no matter how much we care, we end up feeling disconnected. When that happens, certain behaviours can actually make the gap between you and your partner worse.

Why Relationships Disconnect and How to Fix It

Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, identified four destructive behaviours that can slowly destroy a relationship called the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse.

The good news? You can repair your relationship if you catch these early.

Below, I’ll break down what these “horsemen” are, how to spot them in your own relationship, and what you can do to stop them.

1. Criticism

Criticism attacks your partner’s personality or character rather than focusing on a specific action. It often comes across as blame, and it usually sparks defensiveness.

Example:

  • Criticism: “You should have done the dishes! You know I wanted them done before I got home.”
  • Healthy Complaint: “I asked you to do the dishes, and I’m disappointed they aren’t done.”

The difference? Complaints are about specific behaviours, while criticism attacks the person. Complaining is healthy – it tells your partner what you need without hurting them.

How to Stop Criticism:

  • Start with your own needs: “I need more us time,” or “I’d like us to go on a date night.”
  • Use a gentle startup: Share your needs calmly, without hostility.
  • Focus on how you feel rather than what your partner is “doing wrong.”

2. Contempt

Contempt is when you actively insult or belittle your partner. It destroys admiration and connection, often without you realising it. Contempt can show up as:

  • Name-calling or insults
  • Sarcasm or mockery
  • Eye-rolling, smirking, or other negative body language

Even mild sarcasm can be toxic. It avoids true communication and connection, making your partner feel unvalued.

How to Stop Contempt:

  • Own your feelings and needs instead of attacking your partner.
  • Ask, don’t demand: “I’d like you to listen when I feel upset.”
  • See arguments as a cycle of disconnection, not as your partner is “against” you.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness happens when you feel attacked and respond by protecting yourself. While natural, it stops you from truly understanding your partner’s perspective. Signs include:

  • Denying responsibility (“It’s all your fault”)
  • Making excuses (“I did it because…”)
  • Cross-complaining or repeating yourself
  • Focusing on body language instead of listening

How to Stop Defensiveness:

  • Take responsibility for your part in the argument.
  • Listen openly, without seeing your partner’s words as attacks.
  • Treat complaints as information, not criticism.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling is when you shut down or withdraw during conflict. It can be emotional (ignoring your partner), physical (leaving the room), or behavioural (scrolling on your phone instead of engaging). It often signals disapproval or distance.

How to Stop Stonewalling:

  • Use a repair mechanism: focus on emotions, not content.
  • Practice self-soothing techniques before re-engaging.

Examples of self-soothing language:

  • “Please let me finish…”
  • “That hurt my feelings…”
  • “I need a short break to calm down; let’s continue at [time].”

Moving Forward

If you notice any of these Four Horsemen in your relationship, the best step is to address them early. Working with a qualified relationship therapist can help you stop the cycle of disconnection and start rebuilding closeness today.

For more guidance, check out Dr. John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

If your relationship needs help now, contact us to learn practical steps for reconnecting.